depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.