“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.