My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
this is the greatest thing ever
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”