Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
You Might Also Like
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm