When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
can’t bark with your mouth full
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Nothing.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.