I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
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Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
This meal prepping shit easy
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
The news is so predictable nowadays
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.