“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
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6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When I said I liked it rough.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.