Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.