GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
not to brag, but mine was free
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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