angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I would like even faster food.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I triple waxed for this?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours