So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.