Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”