Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
much to think about
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]