Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap