Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.