My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I have a type: disappointing
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did