me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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My daily affirmation
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work