What if all the cashiers are married?
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away