After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”