When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game