HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.