BETRAYAL
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.