If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You Might Also Like
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook