I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
You Might Also Like
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house