I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Expect the unexporcupine.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?