Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?