What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Wikigenius
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.