Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
socratic questions
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.