Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
🤔😂😂
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.