Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
gentlemen, hear me out
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.