interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards