*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You Might Also Like
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.