I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.