I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?