Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer