Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.