i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.