They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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Social distancing in Australia:
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Heroic Misunderstanding
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first