doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN