Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin