This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
You Might Also Like
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”