Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I hope this email finds you in a well
How can I say no to this ?