“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I thought this was funny lol
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I feel like one of these would kill a European