Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
You Might Also Like
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!