Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
You Might Also Like
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota