If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.