me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone