Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me trying to look natural in photos
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK