The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Smells like a challenge to me
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
You are what you delete.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.