my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
In case you needed to hear it:
💁🏻♂️
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV